How To Enjoy Better Sex 4
Problems With Org a sm in Men and Women
There are undoubtedly more non-orgasmic women than men. We know that women crave love, and also its physical expression in kisses and embraces. Why is it that so many women, for whom love is all-important, cannot make the transition from foreplay to orgasm? What is the cause of this?
S ome women have difficulty unlocking sexual response because of a failure in sexual pleasure, particularly in the matter of lovemaking technique. Responsibility rests heavily on the man, but the woman should also be prepared to seek the bodily sensations and rhythms that awaken her sexuality. Male tenderness (an unfashionable quality today), patience, and skill will earn rewards if the woman is open to them.
A third cause is childhood sexual abuse, which can have many effects: one of which is disgust and revulsion at the idea of sex. In such cases, work with a good psychotherapist is needed.
The clitoris is the key to female orgasm, just as the penis is in the male. The man who earlier in life has discovered erotic pleasure in h is penis may find himself unable to ejaculate during sex or achieve orgasm. The same is true for a woman who finds erotic pleasure in her clitoris early in life. She may later find she cannot reach orgasm either. This seems to warrant the conclusion that self-stimulation or masturbation is helpful in forming neurological pathways that promote orgasm.
Medical writers see value in a woman finding relief in self-gratification, or experimenting in erotic arousal when response is slow. Some women have discovered orgasm for the first time through use of vibrators of the kind sold for home use. Having discovered the sensations of full sexual response in this way, the woman should carry the neuromuscular lessons learned into the rich psychophysical intimacies of sex with a loving partner.
The genital kiss - cunnilingus - often brings full success in awakening a woman's sexuality. She may also be able to take advantage of the desire aroused by a full bladder. There can be organic or endocrinal causes of anorgasmia, but they account for only a tiny fraction of cases.
There are, too, a small number of cases where intercourse is painful due to inflammation of the vagina, urethra, and vulva. But far and away the majority of cases of lack of orgasm are due to the two reasons given earlier - psychic blocks to release or inadequate technique.
A woman may be non-orgasmic with her man, but hotly passionate with a lover. Some women can only have orgasms with their man by imagining the presence of a lover. A fascinating case history was reported: a woman patient was frigid with two men over a period of thirty years. Then, at the age of seventy-two, she began extramarital affairs, and at the age of seventy-four she told the doctor that intercourse with her lover, two years her senior, was producing full sexual response and intense orgasms.
It usually takes time - weeks, months, sometimes years - for a woman to attain full sexual response and orgasmic capacity. So many men have said that mature women make the best bed-companions, because experience means so much! It takes time for a woman to discover and establish her individual sexual rhythms.
A man finds his more or less instinctively: this fact of the woman's rhythm in attaining orgasm has not been sufficiently stressed or understood. A man is equipped to achieve it easily. That a woman has also to find the sexual rhythms of friction and stimulation that trigger her orgasm is often forgotten.
Each woman has to find her particular rhythm before her clitoris will produce orgasms, a fact which often gives rise to a vague feeling of uneasiness. The suggestion that she must take any initiative in sexual activity is, even now, somewhat unusual.
A description of male behavior in sexual intercourse is illuminating at this point. Men know by instinct that movement of the penis in the vagina is the essential stimulus for their sexual sensation, these movements are spontaneously executed in an individual pattern of the owner, and they are the means by which sexual sensation in the penis is built up and orgasm produced.
A woman is no different: she needs to be willing to believe that she herself has her own natural pattern of sexual movements which will bring her off; it then only remains to find and describe a simple method by which she can guide her man's fingers in the clitoris region, and so discover for herself, and teach her man, the particular rhythmic movements which evoke the keenest sensations, and eventually produce an orgasm.
One last point: the be-all and end-all of sexual activity is not orgasm. It is easy for women who cannot attain orgasm, or who reach it rarely, to develop anxiety that can only add to the difficulty by adding to psychological pressures already inhibiting orgasmic release.
In human sexual relationships, with their rich emotional overtones and variety of sensual interplay, the pre-orgasmic stages are an integral and important part of lovemaking. It is obviously ideal that the buildup of sexual tension should lead to the explosive release of orgasm - but a woman need not become distraught if at times she does not reach this conclusion.
For some women, absence of orgasm impoverishes and frustrates existence to a point that may require professional counseling. It is indisputable that absence of orgasm limits human experience, but some women adapt to its absence and still enjoy worthwhile sexual relationships.
A man should be on guard against taking his woman for granted sexually. She is not there as an object for his physical gratification, a sort of superior instrument of masturbation. It is dangerous to think in terms of "rights" in this connection; that sort of thinking belonged to Victorian times. Relationships are either an equal partnership or not worth having at all.
Male problems with sexuality
Impotence is being classed as "a disorder of civilization." Few things are as powerful a blow to a man's ego. Life imposes stress: worries, anxieties, frustrations, and competitive pressures can reduce the libido to a level insufficient to maintain normal sexual response.
The resulting impotence may be brief or prolonged. Sometimes a woman does not discover that a man lacks potency until after they're in a relationship. Similarly, of course, a man may be ignorant of his future wife's anorgasmia. The difference is that whereas a frigid woman can have intercourse, the impotent man is dependent on an erection of his penis adequate for the task.
Failures of potency throw the average male into acute despondency. He has the added torment of having virility promoted and celebrated on all sides in our culture. Films, television, magazines, and newspapers seem to conspire to taunt him for his lack of manhood.
Doctors and psychologists are aware that deep depressions accompany sexual disorders - especially impotence - more strongly than with malfunctioning of any other part of the body. An acute sense of shame is evoked by any lack of virility. To doubt a man's potency is often the greatest hurt one can do him. And boys or men with small (whether real or imagined) penises may develop crippling inferiority complexes. On the matter of potency many men have something of the schoolboy in them. In male talk manliness is equated with sexual prowess and penis size.
Actually, potency is difficult to measure. Many men who call themselves impotent nevertheless have involuntary morning erections, which prove they are capable of erection. Is a man who has morning erections impotent? Or a man who suffers erection problems with his wife but not with his mistress?
The psychological or emotional factors are clearly all-important. Fear, disgust, and other inhibitory emotions freeze the sex drive, whose flow can only be released when these emotions are not present. Sexual fear destroys much of the potential sexual energy of mature men and women and renders them impotent or anorgasmic.