Getting Back Together After A Break UP
Because this is fundamentally site about relationships,
it's worthwhile talking about how you can renew a relationship after
it's broken up.
People who break up with lifelong or short-term partners can feel a variety of things – anger, sadness, despair, and of course, if the breakup was the right thing to have happened, happiness or joy.
But in general people on the Internet looking for advice on how to reverse relationship breakup are doing so because they know full well that they didn't want to break up, or that their relationship broke up through a series of silly events which they should have been able to deal with better, or that they have broken up and now realize they've made a terrible mistake.
All of these are reason for looking for ways to get your girl back. And there are plenty of them!
There's a common factor in all cases of courses wanting an ex-partner back: knowing you have made a terrible mistake! That's OK – I mean, after all, we all make mistakes, especially around our relationships.
This page, however, won't apply to you if you feel that you wanted to break up and you've done the right thing – that it was time for you or your girlfriend or boyfriend to move on.
OK. Obviously you want to know how to get back with your girlfriend even if she's moved on (click here if you do!). And you clearly felt she was the right person for you and now you want to know what to do.
Equally, you won't want to get back together with your ex-girlfriend if you feel that she's moved on and that was the right thing for both of you. In other circumstances you could be feeling pretty desperate though! What you do, how do you find out the steps you can take to get your ex back, and – more realistically – will anything get your relationship off the ground again?
Well, the good news first of all is that there are plenty of things you can do that will restore your relationship.
Obviously your relationship broke up for some reasons which you need to identify: it could have been bad communication, it could been a disparity of fundamental values and interests, or it could have been the fact that you were triggering each other into regressive patterns of anger, fear or sadness.
The good news, as you might expect, is that all of these things can be dealt with if you're really serious about getting back together with your ex: to do that, of course, at some fundamental level you need to be certain that he or she was indeed the right person for you, and that both you and your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend are willing to overcome the obstacles to happiness that you created between you and your relationship. Read more here - couples who know each other well don't break up.
How to get your ex back
To start with if you're being triggered into a state of regressive childhood anger or fear, then what you're doing is projecting some image of a parental figure onto your partner.
As an adult, is inappropriate for you to be projecting parental issues that you haven't resolved your partner, and then responding to your partners though they were in fact the provocative person in your life.
Now separating your partner from a person onto whom you've been projecting a parental figure can be done, but it's not necessarily that easy unless you have (a) great insight and (b) some assistance from a professional who can guide you to see things as they truly are.
But it is possible, if you're willing to communicate with your partner, to explore this yourself, and to understand the depths of what I'll call "subconscious programming" which can lead you to see your partner as some historical figure - most likely mum or dad..
It's certainly true that good communication is the best way to re-establish harmony in a relationship, but again it takes time and effort.
So my question to you at this stage in your attempt to get your ex girlfriend back is: "Are you seriously going to spend the energy, time and effort involved in communicating with her in a way that will ensure you can see her for who she truly is?"
You can "take projections back" from another person, but as I said, this requires insight and indeed patience. There are various therapeutic techniques which can help in this process, and going to counseling together is probably one of the most effective.
So there we have covered the first principle of re-establishing a relationship with your partner: good communication, perhaps facilitated by a professional.
Some more principles of getting back together with an ex-girlfriend (or for that matter, an ex-boyfriend) are tolerance, understanding, patience, and love.
When you grow into a place where you stop seeing everything your partner does as a provocative act designed to cause you shame or embarrassment, or just to trigger you, then you will have grown up and matured emotionally in your own self.
That's the kind of maturity that leads to you responding to other people as they are now - an adult - rather than reacting from a historical emotional place.
Obviously it's desirable for everybody who's in a partnership to do personal work on themselves so they grow into a place of maturity, and also a deeper understanding of the dynamics in the relationship which can trigger them.
Video - getting your ex back
There are plenty of places on the Internet we can get good advice about how to do this, and although that's not as good as seeing a therapist, it can help in lessening the tendency you have to project onto other people those feelings thoughts and emotions which come from your historical experience rather than your current experience.
At the end of the day, if you feel that a relationship's worth preserving, and that the person with whom you've been in relationship is somebody with whom you have a future, then it's certainly worth making the effort to invest the time (and of course the money if you decide to see a counselor) to put the relationship back on its feet.